Chris

I was a carefree young being at that time. Me with my 16 years of imprudence, idealism and naiveté. It was a peculiar time in a teener’s life when I would awaken from my slumber, hand closed up to a fist with my arm over my forehead, and just think. I had all the time in the world then.

I would thoughtlessly ask my all-knowing little self, “Why do I have to wake up every single day? What satisfaction --- if there truly were any --- am I capable of achieving throughout the lengthy 16 hours of leaving my eyes open?”

Nothing. Nothing was the answer.

I’m usually at that point of philosophical engagement with myself when my menopausal mother would holler from downstairs to ramble on about the chores that needed to be done, the corners that needed to be cleaned and all the work that won’t get accomplished by themselves. Plus that little dismissible fact that I had to go to school.

My life was basically routine.

Then I met Chris. Unexpectedly, Chris brought a twist to the utterly boring life that I had to go through. Chris broke the monotony out of my repetitive daily activities. I began to think that now, rising up every day made sense. I started looking out the window every morning, like the foolish juvenile that I was, to greet the sun before it had even risen. I came to realize the folly in my previous behavior. Why in the world should I waste precious time lying idly on my bed when I could spend those marvelous hours with Chris?

That mere thought was enough to have me jumping off my bed to take a freezing bath even during the chilly dawns of December. I began taking the time to fix myself up, making sure I was spic and span. I wanted to smell my best, look my best, and be my best for Chris to notice me. Before long, Chris did.

We met each day in that stuffy, almost broken-down classroom of ours. I wouldn’t have to wait long for Chris. Chris seemed as eager as I had been. Chris was willing to spend the entire day with me. At least that was what my ego would like to think Chris felt.

It never really mattered what I did --- as long as Chris was part of it. Whether we walked or talked, whether I laughed or Chris cried, whether we were so busy with everything or doing absolutely nothing at all. It didn’t really matter. Our activities were trivial. Insignificant.

Before I knew it, Chris and I grew closer. In fact, closer than I expected we’d be. We’d spend the entire day together --- just the two of us. We would walk around the same area over and over again and we wouldn’t seem to notice. We would be talking to each other for who knows how many hours and yet we’d never run out of anything to say. We would sit in peaceful silence for so long and the situation wouldn’t feel awkward. We found comfort in each other.

This went on for quite a while. Senior year came and we were still together. It was the most euphoric time of my adolescent life. Sure, misunderstandings were never absent but we had always been quick to fix whatever needed fixing. Until something happened between us. Something that I thought would make life even better.

I didn’t know why --- Chris didn’t too --- but things began to change for the both of us. The road seemed to go rougher and tougher as we plodded on. The walks and talks became too self-conscious. The silence became uncomfortable and unbearable.

People familiar with the both of us came to notice the change. They started asking questions. When they did, I unintentionally gave them an explanation totally different from the one Chris did. That was probably the same thing that famous celebrities wet through. Chris and I were not exactly celebrities, but it happened to us.

I was confused. Probably, Chris was, too. Probably.

I was hurt, sorrowful, anguished, melancholic. Maybe, Chris was, too. Maybe.

I don’t know exactly when or how it happened but Chris and I, well… we fell apart. Until the time came for college. Chris and I finally had to part ways. Fate brought the two of us far apart. Chris and I lost track of each other. No explanations, no farewell letters, no nothing.

During those times, I felt that waking up meant freedom --- freedom from the pain and agony that our situation has brought. Thinking that everything was nothing more than an awful nightmare. Thinking that if I woke up, I could somehow escape from that terrible reality. But I was wrong. I was mistaken.

I woke up many times, largely due to my menopausal mother’s holler, but during all those times, my burden simply added up. No amount of household chores could take the pain away.

Time flew swiftly by. I don’t know how it happened, plenty of strange things occur in a lifetime, but I started waking up with my heart filled with hope. Hope that brought me innumerable sleepless nights and many beautiful dreams. Dreams filled with lovely memories, memories of Chris.

I knew that one day, Fate shall bring Chris and I together again. Fate shall make up for all the time that we have lost. And everything will simply go back to the way it was then. The way it really was supposed to be.

And Fate did. Fate finally crossed our paths. The bliss I felt was incomparable. Chris and I would be together again.

On Chris’s 19th birthday, I received a note inviting me over to their house. It was the moment I had been waiting for. It was another chilly December dawn but even that couldn’t keep me from taking a freezing bath. I put on my new clothes and splashed some of the imported cologne my cousin brought me from abroad. I wanted to smell my best, look my best, and be my best for Chris. I went over to their house with nervous anticipation.

But my joy proved to be short-lived.

Chris was right there in front of me but Chris’s eyes wouldn’t open anymore. I tried calling Chris, trying my best, almost pleading to answer me back… but Chris never did. Chris just lay there, stiff and cold.

I held Chris’s hand but it no longer gave me the same warmth that used to keep me from shivering in the cold. I brought my ears closer to Chris’s lips hoping to hear the sweet songs that usually cheered me up when I was blue. Songs that would have kept my tears from falling incessantly. But I heard nothing. Not even a single note.

“Chris is gone, Sam, just last night,” I heard Chris’s mother speak behind me. “Chris had been sick for a couple of years now but Chris insisted not to let anyone know about it.”

Chris’s mom handed me an envelope saying, “Chris wanted me to give this to you. Chris wrote that just before the cancer made it impossible for my child to even sit straight.”

My tears blurred the words that I saw in Chris’s letter.

Dearest Samuel,

Your reading this letter means I’m probably gone by now. It’s just sad that we were not able to settle things before this had to happen. You never gave me the chance. I just hope you’ll understand why I couldn’t accept the love you said you felt for me. You were my best friend. It just didn’t seem right.

I’m really sorry. Sorry for all the times I’ve taken you for granted. It was too late for me to find out that I shouldn’t have because I realized that you’re one of the best things that happened to me. And I feel so stupid for hurting you. I missed you so much. I missed all the times that we were together. I really feel bad that we couldn’t spend enough time to talk about things that we used to talk about. But I didn’t really worry because I knew that what we have is beyond these.

I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

Well, you know I love you. Goodbye…

Always a friend,
Cristine

My hands trembled after reading those last few words. Chris did love me. She just couldn’t love me more than a friend. There was so much I wanted to say to her. So many things that might have changed a lot of things for the better. But it was too late.

Again, Fate had to take Chris away…

And as I lay on my bed thinking about tomorrow, thinking about waking up --- without Chris --- I realized I lost the only reason I had to wake up.

No hope filled my heart, no memories filled my dreams. No Chris. Facing tomorrow without Chris would be foolish. Waking up without her would be facing a life without rhyme and reason.

So I didn’t.